Seira Dreams

Stark raving mad!

I'm a lunatic.  I sat in front of the mirror this morning searching for some sign of a soul buried deep within.  I sat there... naked and cold on an over turned clothes bin staring intently at the stranger before me.  The watery green eyes offered little warmth, hinted of nothing but darkness. 

For a long time I sat there looking for something... some sign of life.

and then I remembered...

when I first learned the pleasures of touching myself.  I remembered small hands finding small treasures tucked under my blanket at night.  I remembered the thoughts of self hate and loathing that I should be so dirty. 

I recalled how this body learned to outsmart my head.  I became compelled, driven, I was determined to discover to what depths the longing would take me and how high pleasure could soar. 

Rebellious at last.

I took this body and turned it upon the very thing that I swore I'd always be... innocence.  I unleashed the wanting, grasping, clinging beast I held within.  It wasn't just the bliss that drove me it was the sorrow and the suffering as well. 

To feel alive,

it's simply the answer to it all.  Not right or wrong, not good or bad, simply to express, to feel, to explore the world... it hasn't been a war of heaven and hell... my life has been a quest for knowledge... I have come to learn world...

so TEACH!

Happy Yule!

I've decided on celibacy for the next 12 months.  I have vowed to turn away from temptation and desire.  I have changed my outlook.  Instead of looking forward to that next great ass or the next all sex, all day marathon... I'd turn that energy into something life altering.  Now... I'm not saying that a great ass isn't life affirming... it just can't be everything.  And being an "all in" or "all out" kinda girl (just ask my roomy from college) I have to make it a commitment, a serious commitment. 

I've gone from wanting Mr. Right, to wanting Mr. Right-Now, to accepting Mr. 10 minutes and often times finding myself with Mr. 37 seconds flat. 

I used to think that someday I'd stumble across someone who could talk to me as an equal and not inadvertently slip into the "your my maid, gopher, secretary and mom" mode. 

I was fooled a few times into thinking:

"This guy is different, he gets where I'm coming from, he hasn't just fallen out of the evolutionary tree."

Now it's more like: 

"If it's got a penis it is still up there - swinging from the branches - banging rocks,

no matter how much he doth protest."

I guess it comes down to feeling myself up. 

I look in the mirror: I grab a hold of the essence that is me... and sadly, great ass aside.... I have found it seriously lacking.

Possibly I haven't paid enough attention to the real me,

the one that will eventually outgrow this skin (for better or worse).  The me that I'll have to put up with when I'm rocking away the days in some damn nursing home.  So.... it comes down to this, spend some quality time with myself... use the next 12 months to figure out what's really going on...

or

I could just drink myself into a false bravado.... make pretend that I'm happy "just the way I am".

either way...

Tis the season!  Here's hoping the world a wonderfully happy Solstice!

Cheers,

S.

I sit there staring into his eyes… his puppy dog brown eyes with a few wrinkles starting in the corners.  I watch him silently, relaxed.  It is a game I’ve been playing for a long time. 

He knows it.  I know it.  We agree not to talk about it.  Without uttering a word we sit there, he and I, looking intently at each other. 

He always lets me win.  Possibly he thinks by doing so he is allowing me to feel powerful, in control, the one with the pants on… so to speak.
 
“It’s been awhile” he says meekly, finally breaking the all time record of 27 minutes of nerve racking silence.
 
“I’ve been busy”… I croon back instantly looking down at my shoes.
I’m goading him…
he knows
and he isn’t biting.
 
“How’s things?” he asks without sounding all that interested.
 
“Oh fine” I sigh
Still not biting.
 

“Not so bad then?” 

He asks as he scribbles on a bit of paper.

I cringe. 

He’s going too far this time.
 

“No one died”  I bark

getting to my feet I sart to pace about his overly white, overly mundane office.
 
I pick at the fresh scabs on my arms.
 
He’s watching me and I hate it.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.
He’s supposed to be concerned and attentive.
He’s supposed to be gazing raptly at me begging for details
He’s supposed to…
 
“There we go” he says mindlessly, finally able to produce ink from the pen he had been so frantically scribbling with.
 
“Made your day I see” I remark… a bit louder than I meant to.
I watch him intently to see if I have hit flesh.
Nothing.
 
I notice, not for the first time
The sleek brown skin
The confident chin
The fine sinewy arms that flex ever so slightly
under his white, pressed, dress shirt
No tie today
I can’t help but think of my fingers slipping between the buttons on his shirt
An almost cat-like purr escapes my mouth
I realize almost at once what has happened
Too late…

He sees me… looking at him.
He smiles.
 
“Now… for that” he begins in a professor, mentor, guardian kinda way “You seem to think that women alone have the power to confuddle the opposite sex.”
 
I find myself hovering just in front of my usual chair.  It’s like a physical blow, once it fully sinks in, what he’s actually just done.  The wind is pushed from my chest and my ass feels like a lead weight and I drop soundlessly back into my chair.
 
“Good one”  is all I can muster.
 
Once again… he has managed to make me feel utterly idiotic like a prepubescent schoolgirl with a crush on the math teacher.
 
“Tell me about the dreams.”  He says looking at me… without a single trace of triumph on his face.
 
S.
 

Beginning at the end....

I slip in and out of a waking dream.  Some days I find a haze surrounds me and I am quite content to drift through as if floating on some imaginary cloud.  Other days.... I'm crashing into things, tripping over myself, fighting for each logical connection from one moment to the next.  Today.... was a wandering blissful day

until he walked in.  My boy toy has lost his fun.  It seems I have broken him, along with all the others, and now he only serves to remind me (as he delivers my mail each day) of the countless faces (and other bits) that litter my oh sooooo shady past.  What have I to show for it?  Besides some great video.... oh... and a new move I am quite fond of.... he he he

Really show for it?  I'm not a better person for having indulged my carnal side. I'm even beginning to wonder if I'm not any better than the self named "STUDS" that we so gladly make fun of on Margarita night. 

I tried to sooth my conscious with another pair of shoes and a walk on the wild side... a little Mikkel and a smathering of Alfonzo and I naivley thought it might 'just go away'.  What is this thing that weighs on me?  Have my dreams been nothing more than a form of self punishment for my s... si... si...

I can't even say it.... I can't believe I thought it..... SINs!!!!!???? I don't believe in SIN....

still

 is it possible?

And as soon as I thought it.  I push it away....

NO!!!!! 

THEY are the GUILTY The FILTHY ROTTEN LIARS. 

I am only taking part in the consumeristic world they created.  I am their creation!

and the dreams!!! Damnit!!!

I found Dennis.... he put his hands around my throat and tried to choke me.  Screaming and screaming I woke to find myself gagging on my pillow.  If I am not crazy and my life is not some pathetic game played out on some cosmic reality show....

Tonight.... all NEW Nympho gets another midnight visitor.... Is it a ghost?  Is it real?  Can she survive until morning?  Don't miss the next new reality hit

Seira Dreams!!!!

Well then... I've lost it

What's new?

S.

I felt the skin of my back scraping along the ground.  The sky was nothing but slits of blue through bruised and swollen eyes.  A tree loomed over head then was lost.  I could hear the quiet rustling of leaves as I was being drug into the corn field.  I didn't feel pain anymore.  My body was foreign.  The beating of my heart seemed far away like an echo repeating after the traveler has long gone.  I could see his large calloused hands wrapped round my ankles.  My legs were cut and bleeding, my dress torn and now nothing but filthy rags.  I thought of screaming.  I thought about crying out for help.  But who would come?  I was alone now... just as I was always alone.  No one protected me, cared where my hours were spent.  No one would come looking for me... not till later... much later.  It would be too late.  It was too late for me the moment I was born.  Call it a karmic debt or possibly mischance or even a bad case of dumb luck... but I was born here into this life and now as that life flickered before me... just as surely as I felt the skin being torn from my backside... well, I knew that next time... next time I wouldn't go so easily... next time I'd give em a fight.  But... being as I was only six and he was the biggest man I ever did see... I knew I'd have to wait

till next time.